Talking Dolls and Chain Saws, No Thank You!

The Obligatory Halloween Post

“I see stupid people….”

When I was a teenager, the Friday the 13th and Nightmare on Elm Street franchises were in their prime.  If you’ve never seen one of those movies, don’t fret because you didn’t miss much.  If there was any plot or storyline from either, it wasn’t strong enough to stick with me.  What I do remember are a lot of gory scenes which now-a-days a good Grey’s Anatomy surgery episode can probably beat.

Yes, the special effects back then were terrible!

Another thing I remember about these movies are that my friends and I would gather at someone’s home with the freshly minted VHS tape of the latest installment, pop some popcorn, grab some soda, turn out the lights and watch.  We would each pick a character to represent us and see who was the “winner”.  The “winner”, of course, was the one person who survived.  Usually it was the smart, slightly shy, brunette, female co-lead.  I suppose the moral of these movies was that if you weren’t the slutty blonde cheerleader you might one day survive a homicidal maniac trying to kill you at the cabin you and your friends snuck off to in order to engage in lots of premarital sex and drinking.  Huh, I guess I learned something from these movies after all.

Last week I watched the Halloween episode of Pretty Little Liars with my daughter and I noticed that teen fright flicks haven’t changed much over the years.  This one was a little different because it took place on a train and it was PG because it was on TV, but teens in horror movies (or TV shows) are still acting like imbeciles and some things never change, like:

1.  The person who knows the secret that could save everyone will be the first to die.

2.  At some point, in order to get away from the villan, someone will run UP the stairs.

3.  Someone, not a very smart someone, will volunteer to go down into the basement to check out the spooky noise….by themselves.  ‘Cause that always turns out well.

4.  Here’s my favorite:  At some point the group will split up to find the killer so that at least 1 person is all alone.  Really?  I never, EVER, understood that one.

5.  When the doomed teen finally realizes he or she needs to escape, the battery in whatever vehicle they jump into will be dead.  OR they will drop the keys to said vehicle while running from the villan.

6.  Mistaking the werewolf, vampire, monster, zombie, killer, villan, the whatever for their best friend, girlfriend, boyfriend or whatever.  Huh, you think you know someone right?

You can’t tell me this isn’t terrifying!

I don’t watch a lot of scary movies anymore.  I think the last one I saw was The 6th Sense and I’m still afraid to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.  I’m also afraid of dolls.  At any moment I expect their little plastic heads to turn and then they’ll start talking….  Nope, never did care for that!  So, this Halloween the scariest thing at my house will be me eating all the candy I bought before the kids ring my doorbell.  And I can promise you that if I hear a scary noise in the basement I will NOT check it out!  Now, where’d I put my crucifix…..

Merry Christmas, and Season’s Greetings

I’ve seen several postings on Facebook this holiday season adamantly opposing using the phrase “Happy Holidays” or “Season’s Greetings”.  These same folks are usually angrily declaring that they are Christians and will from here forth refer to this season as Christmas!  This is usually followed with the phrase of “Put Christ back in Christmas” or “He’s the Reason for the Season.”  Of course then you are told that if you are a Christian you will copy and post to your status.  Doesn’t it seem as though these people who are fervently trying to remind us of the true meaning of Christmas might have lost a little bit of it?

I would like to heartily wish every single one of you reading this post a Very Merry Christmas.  If you do not celebrate Christmas, I doubt my wish offends you.  I believe you take my wish in the spirit in which it was intended as any reasonable person would. 

courtesy of some of my angry facebook friends

I apologize for not publishing the best posts lately, I’ve been a little distracted getting ready to celebrate with my family.  I hope wherever you are and whatever you are celebrating you have a wonderful, safe time.  I will be taking a few days off to spend with family – hubby, Tink and the extended members of it – and I’m sure I’ll be good and angry and ready to post more ramblings after the holidays.  Until then, Merry Christmas AND Season’s Greetings and thank you so very, very much for taking the time to read my goofy little blog.

Thank you Maxine.com (I very well may be considered one of those dim bulbs!)

Quick Quips

As most of you know, I’ve been imprisoned all week and all my creative energy sucked out of my brain by long business meetings.  Please forgive me for offering you an appetizer-size sample of some of my friends’ wittiest comments over the past few weeks.

The best of the recent Facebook moments:

A friend posted on Facebook “Do something nice for a stranger, even if it’s just a smile and a ‘hello’!”  I replied, “I have no problem smiling and being nice to a stranger. It’s my family that might take a little more effort!”

A co-worker posted on Facebook that she was nervous about leaving her 9 week old baby with the sitter and returning to work on Monday.  I replied, “Yea!  It will be just like old times!  Oh wait . . . this was supposed to be inspirational.”

Reminds me of my Tanorexics Anonymous meeting . . .

 
My friend Brian posted yesterday:  Things you probably shouldn’t say at the Holiday Customer Service Desk:  “Can you help me exchange my balls or do I need to get your supervisor?”  
 
 
“I’m sorry, it seems the problem was I was adding wrong.” posted by our company’s Chief Financial Officer
 
 

 
“I saw a grown man with a stuffed Papa Smurf attached to his backpack.  Is that code for something?”  Reply, “I told you to stay away from the Walmart in downtown Baltimore!”
 
 
That’s all for today folks.  Tune in Monday when hopefully I’ll have a little more energy and can be a bit more creative!  If I survive tonight’s company Holiday Party that is.
 

Let's hope this isn't a scene at tonight's event!

 
 

“Thanks Hank”

A fellow blogger wrote an outstanding post a while ago about commercials and how they just don’t make any kind of damn sense anymore.  Check out BoxcarOakie’s post here.  He’s got some great ideas for new, never before seen ads too. 

Lately I have been noticing the same thing.  I guess commercials just aren’t geared towards my age group anymore.  But here are a few that I DO like and thought you might enjoy too:

And . . .

I have to say that the one from Hyundai just reminds me that I need to go out and buy a bunch of Energizer batteries before Christmas morning, but these make me laugh and since we all need a little more laughter these days I thought I would share.  Enjoy your day everyone.

My Favorite Pet Peeves

Everyone has a few things that bother them.  While most folks are taking time to be thankful and forgiving, I thought I’d go straight in the opposite direction.  Following is a list of things that irritate me like fingernails on a blackboard:

  • Fingernails on a blackboard
  • People in the passing lane that drive slower than people in the right lane
  • Traffic in general
  • The McRib

    Not so much the McRib though . . .

  • Rude Customer Service Representatives – I mean really – isn’t that an oxymoron?
  • Parking meters
  • Driving in downtown, anywhere downtown, traffic.  What’s with all the one-way streets??
  • People with the “My Kid’s on the Honor Roll” bumper stickers.  Really?  Well my kid got a C in Algebra by 1 point so lay off already will ya?  (Except for that year my kid WAS on the Honor Roll then of course I proudly displayed my bumper sticker and curiously those people didn’t irritate me nearly so much)
  • Having the sniffles
  • Weathermen who predict snow and then talk about it for a week and it never happens.
  • Miranda Lambert

Give me fingernails on a blackboard instead . . . please!

  • Showers in hotels that when you adjust a millimeter to the left get ice-cold and adjust a millimeter to the right get boiling hot.
  • Airport Security – I know it’s necessary and I don’t fight it but I don’t have to like it so I don’t!
  • When your favorite pair of socks get a hole in the heel and you have to throw them away because you’re the Mom and that’s what you tell everyone else in the house they have to do.
  • Running out of wine
  • Running out of vodka
  • Running out of rum . . . wait this is taking a wrong turn
  • Running out of milk

A glass of milk

  • When you’ve been waiting in line for 15 minutes and just as it’s your turn a new register opens.
  • Vegans – they make me feel so damn guilty!
  • Kelly Rippa
  • Writer’s Block
  • Twilight Haters – you don’t have to read the books and you don’t have to watch the movies, but let me enjoy my werewolves and vampires ok?
  • Chain Letters – which have now turned into Facebook posts about fighting cancer or hunger or being kind to animals and if you don’t copy and post to your status for 1 hour you are the root of all evil.
  • People who serve real cranberries for Thanksgiving.  I want the slippery, slimy sauce out of the can like Mom used to make.
  • Anything, or anyone, that happens before my first cup of coffee.
  • Finally, and most importantly:  Crabby critical people who like to make lists of things that bug them.  Hmm . . . wait a minute . . .

What’s in Andy’s Drawers?

I’m sure by now you know that Andy Rooney, famed writer on 60 Minutes, passed away on November 4th.  I’ve loved Andy Rooney for a long, long time, but it was a slow courtship.  When I was little, I remember watching the seconds on that darn stop watch tick between segments as I waited for 60 Minutes to go off so whatever show I wanted to watch would come on.  Soon I began to realize that just before the show went off, that funny old guy came on.

After a while, I began to watch for that funny old guy.  Sometimes he was really funny and sometimes he wasn’t.  I noticed that a lot of the times when I didn’t think he was funny, Mom and Dad seemed to think he was especially funny.  I didn’t understand that.  Through my teenage years I certainly didn’t seek Andy Rooney out, but if I happened to be in the room when he was on TV I definitely paid attention.  In my 20’s I didn’t see much 60 Minutes, but began watching it a little more in my 30’s.  My husband and I would try to at least catch the end to see what Andy Rooney was complaining about now.  In recent years, I’ve rarely missed an episode of Andy’s rants.

So when I heard that Andy Rooney was retiring I of course made certain to watch that last broadcast.  I knew I would miss the old bastard.  He so often said what was or had been on my mind.  You know “crap you’ve probably already thought of”.  I wondered what he would do now that he was retired.  It seemed that writing had been his whole life.  I guess it pretty much was.

I watched 60 Minutes last Sunday but at the end, it just wasn’t the same.  I realized just how much I was going to miss America’s favorite curmudgeon.  I thought since it was Friday, that we’d all take a moment to watch one of his broadcasts.  And besides being cute and classic Andy Rooney, we can all chuckle at the title.  We miss you Mr. Rooney!