So I had several New Year’s Resolutions and I am following most of them. I’m eating healthier, lost a couple of pounds, working out regularly – all the usual resolutions. But I had also decided to stop cursing, and damn it, that part’s not going so well.
All this working out was bound to pull a few expletives out of me, especially if I’m doing it correctly. When you hold plank position for more than 30 seconds and you have any breath left at all, it automatically comes out in four-letter words. Then when I was dieting I was hungry so my threshold for stupidity was much lower than it normally is and I don’t have a high tolerance for it on a good day with fried foods. So I had already decided that perhaps this “no cursing” resolution would best be delayed until February, but last Friday I had an unintentional slip that was so funny I had to share.
I was picking my daughter up at school which is not the normal routine. She usually rides the bus, but we had errands to run this particular Friday. South Carolina has recently passed a law against texting and driving which I never really did anyway, but now I was sitting still in a car rider line waiting to pick up one of the hundreds of teenagers roaming around outside the school. I sent a quick text to my daughter to let her know I was getting close to the pick up point so she could be paying attention instead of gabbing with her friends. I am lucky enough to have a “Smart Phone” with voice recognition so I thought I would take advantage of it. I hit the speaker button and said, “I’m in line, shouldn’t be long now.” then I hit send.
Evidently I have a very strong southern accent that must be difficult for standard voice recognition software to recognize. A few seconds later I read the message I had sent. And here it is:
“The line shittin’ be long”
I almost fell out of the car laughing but I was struggling to send another G-rated message so my daughter would not be confused. I tried again with the same phrase. This time the message came out:
“I’m in line, should not be long nails”
Luckily by the time I pulled up my daughter saw the car and hopped in, completely embarrassed because her mother was laughing like a hyena. I finally croaked out that I was sorry about the text messages when she said, “Oh, my phone is off and in my book bag. What did you say?”
Well, February 1st is just around the corner. I’ll give it a shit then. Ooops, I mean shot.
1. Thanks to the blog “Who Said Life Wasn’t Complicated” for the picture at the top of the page.