No Cursing Resolution = Epic Fail

So I had several New Year’s Resolutions and I am following most of them.  I’m eating healthier, lost a couple of pounds, working out regularly – all the usual resolutions.  But I had also decided to stop cursing, and damn it, that part’s not going so well.

How does she look so calm? (image via hundredpushups.com)

All this working out was bound to pull a few expletives out of me, especially if I’m doing it correctly.  When you hold plank position  for more than 30 seconds and you have any breath left at all, it automatically comes out in four-letter words.  Then when I was dieting I was hungry so my threshold for stupidity was much lower than it normally is and I don’t have a high tolerance for it on a good day with fried foods.  So I had already decided that perhaps this “no cursing” resolution would best be delayed until February, but last Friday I had an unintentional slip that was so funny I had to share.

I was picking my daughter up at school which is not the normal routine.  She usually rides the bus, but we had errands to run this particular Friday.  South Carolina has recently passed a law against texting and driving which I never really did anyway, but now I was sitting still in a car rider line waiting to pick up one of the hundreds of teenagers roaming around outside the school.  I sent a quick text to my daughter to let her know I was getting close to the pick up point so she could be paying attention instead of gabbing with her friends.  I am lucky enough to have a “Smart Phone” with voice recognition so I thought I would take advantage of it.  I hit the speaker button and said, “I’m in line, shouldn’t be long now.”  then I hit send.

I kind of miss my dumb phone

Evidently I have a very strong southern accent that must be difficult for standard voice recognition software to recognize.  A few seconds later I read the message I had sent.  And here it is:

“The line shittin’ be long”

I almost fell out of the car laughing but I was struggling to send another G-rated message so my daughter would not be confused.  I tried again with the same phrase.  This time the message came out:

“I’m in line, should not be long nails”

Luckily by the time I pulled up my daughter saw the car and hopped in, completely embarrassed because her mother was laughing like a hyena.  I finally croaked out that I was sorry about the text messages when she said, “Oh, my phone is off and in my book bag.  What did you say?” 

Well, February 1st is just around the corner.  I’ll give it a shit then.  Ooops, I mean shot.

1.  Thanks to the blog “Who Said Life Wasn’t Complicated” for the picture at the top of the page.

Take Your Husband to Work Day . . . Everyday

You may or may not know by now that I travel a lot with my job.  It gets pretty monotonous going back and forth to the same geographic locations and staying in the same hotels often enough that the Hotel Manager asks about Tink’s Algebra grade, but there is some comfort in that too.  One advantage of my job is that when I don’t travel, I work from home.

"Well frankly Alex she's grounded after the grade on that last test!" <image courtesy of ehow.com>

When I was 16 I contracted Mononucleosis and was placed on what they called “home-bound” for 6 weeks.  A teacher that wasn’t good enough for a real job with the County came to my house twice a week and ate cookies in the kitchen while I did my school work.  I was fascinated to discover that I could complete an entire week’s worth of classroom assignments and homework in about 5 hours a week.  When I asked the teacher about this phenomenon she gave me some non-committal response.  When I asked my Mom about it she said it was because I didn’t have to sit through all the extra stuff they did for the “slower” kids.  I’m not sure either answer was correct, but it did enlighten me to the fact that a LOT of time is wasted in schools . . . and offices!

Only the smart kids raise their hands <image via nctm.org>

So working from home actually allows me to get a lot more done than I would in a traditional office setting.  There’s no other co-workers to wander in and talk about last night’s game or someone to run into in the break room and chat about the latest episode of Biggest Loser and whether or not someone ought to shove Conda off a cliff during one of the challenges.  (And what the hell kind of name is Conda anyway?  I’d write a post about that but the Byronic Man already did here.  You should really check it out.)  I still have the phone and email as distractions, but I have control over who I speak with and when and the answering of said email.  Another plus is that what would be a coffee break turns into putting a load of laundry in the dryer or unloading the dishwasher.  I love working at home because it is so peaceful and quiet.  No TV, no radio, no distractions, just me and my work getting done ever so quickly so I can be not-working even sooner!

"No I totally agree that Bob is hotter than Dolvette!"

But lately, that’s not how it’s gone.  Because my husband is “in between jobs” right now.  (He’s in construction and you’ve seen the reports on the economy – it’s going to be a while)  So he’s at home all the time.  Just so you understand that’s like having “Take your husband to work day” every single day!  Think about it.  Would you want your spouse following you around at work all day?  Every day? 

I’m constantly amazed when I visit on-site locations and we close the door to have a meeting and another employee just walks in.  They don’t think the closed door applies to them.  Well guess what?  It can be just me and my husband at home, I close my office door to make some phone calls and in he walks.  There’s only the two of us there.  Who the hell does he think I’m closing the door to?? 

See the difference? One is Closed . . . One is Open! <image via clipartof.com>

Then Tink comes home from school and has a million and one urgent, crucial questions that can’t wait until I’m off the phone like “What’s for dinner?”  “I’m done with my homework can I text now?”  “I want a snack but do you think I should have an apple or a cupcake?”  Seriously???  You don’t care about my opinions or what I have to say at any other time of the day but right now you want me to pick your afternoon snack?  While I’m on the phone with my boss??  (ok – so I don’t exactly get to pick when I talk to my boss, but everyone else I do)

You might as well eat the cupcake and bring me the apple. You aren't going to eat it anyway. <image via earthreport.com>

So lately I have come to appreciate my travel just a little more.  Because when I get to the hotel and close the door, it locks behind me and no one can come ask me if they can have some of my super-secret, private stash of Jelly Belly Jelly Beans that a co-worker gave me for Christmas.  Or if they can have the last cupcake.  Or if they can borrow a paperclip.  It’s just peace and quiet!  Ahhh – it’s like having Mono all over again . . .

Ahhhhh . . .

New Year’s Resolutions Killed the DVD

Even Jillian Michael's posted this on Facebook - I think it's a new trend!

Well Hello!!!  I’ve been MIA from the blogging world for 3 weeks now, but after a week off for the holidays and jumping into my New Year’s Resolutions, there didn’t seem to be any time for blogging.  (No time left for blogging??  Why that’s crazy talk!)  More importantly – not enough time left for reading other’s blogs!  I’ve missed it terribly. 

English: vegetables

Yum!! Doesn't it look delicious? It's no Death by Chocolate, but . . . (Image via Wikipedia)

Of course, like everyone else in the USA, my New Year’s Resolutions include living a healthier lifestyle.  Truly, this is how I try to live most of the time, but during November and December I ate everything that wasn’t nailed down.  Small children were in danger.  I also did not exercise AT ALL!  So now I’m trying to use my common sense and eat more grilled chicken, steamed and grilled vegetables, salads and whole grains.  I feel better when I eat this way too but I swear it takes an effort and a lot of planning.  I just didn’t have that in me the last few months of 2011.  And on the upside cooking this way creates lots of leftovers because Hubby and Tink hardly eat it!

I will miss you Jillian! But my quads - not so much.

I’m also trying to work out 30-45 minutes every day with 1 rest day a week.  One of my favorite DVDs is Jillian Michael’s 30 day Shred, but I popped that DVD in this past Monday and tragedy of all tragedies THE DVD DIED!  Oh woe is me – farewell Jillian.  Getting me back into shape this time proved to be too daunting a task.  I will miss thee.  But thankfully I still have Bob Harper, so I did Biggest Loser Cardio Max.  It has a lot of leg work AND, most importantly, it’s from about 6-7 years ago so Bob is so young and still nice!

How does she look so calm? (image via hundredpushups.com)

English: Robert "Bob" Harper (born A...

Image via Wikipedia "I Love Bob, I Love Bob."

Losing 1 DVD work out is really no big deal.  I have tons of workout DVDs, dumbbells (I mean the hand weights not derogatorily referring to my family), a 10 lb Kettlebell, a treadmill and a stair-stepper.  All I need to do is use all that stuff.  I’m alternating days with weight work and days with cardio only.  Another great thing to do is push ups.  You can find a fantastic push up program at http://www.hundredpushups.com/.  There is a reason they make you do these in the military.  Push ups are hard, they are considered weight work and they are truly a whole body work out.  A combination of push ups, squats and crunches for 30 minutes is a full-fledged weight work out without any “weights”.  So who needs Jillian, right?

I also track calories at http://www.livestrong.com/.  You can set up a free account and log every thing you put into your mouth on there.  This website can calculate how many calories you can eat each day to reach a goal or just to maintain your current weight.  I wasn’t going to count any calories this year.  I made a huge declaration to one of my close friends that I was only going to focus on being healthy and forget writing down every bite I put in my mouth because that was excessive.  But the day, immediately after I made that declaration, Dr. Nancy Schneiderman on the Today Show said that the ONLY way for a woman over 40 to truly maintain her weight was to write down what they ate.  She even said the words, “every bite you put in your mouth.”  Really??  I mean really??  After recovering from a brief bout of depression over that fact, I began re-logging my calories. 

Another resolution was going to be no more cursing, but then Tink brought home a D in Algebra, the whole DVD death thing and working out pretty much ended any hope of keeping that resolution before I even got started.  I’ll save that one for February.

 Anyway – I’m done with trying to hit a certain weight or look a certain way.  I want to be healthy and I want to be able to button and zip my jeans without requiring outside assistance.  That’s enough for me.  Maybe that will leave me with a little bit of time to blog!